The Do's and Don'ts of Getting High

So, you’re high. Hooray! Whether you’re a seasoned pro or just exploring, let’s take a moment to acknowledge that while everything might feel dreamy and wonderful right now, not all ideas that float into your head are actually good ones. Some are, in fact, very, very bad. That’s where this list comes in. Think of it as a friendly nudge reminding you how to keep your high delightful.

DON’T Have Serious Conversations with Your Partner or Family

Oh no, not now. No one has ever emerged from a deep, emotional discussion while high and thought, "Wow, I really nailed that." Your thoughts are meandering, your sentences might not actually end, and at some point, you will become very, very distracted by the way the light is hitting your cat's whiskers. If you must talk feelings, maybe just stick to, "I love you so much," and leave the big discussions for another time.

DON’T Light Fireworks

Fire and altered states have never been a perfect pair, and yet every year, there are folks who decide that lighting explosives while a little (or a lot) stoned is a solid plan. It isn’t. It never is. Please don’t be the person who ends up in an ER because "the fuse seemed longer" or "we thought it would be funny if they all went off at once." Trust me, sparklers are enough, and even those should be approached with caution.

DON’T Make Any Business Deals

Oh, look at you! So full of inspiration and grand ideas! Maybe you and your friend are going to start an artisanal pickling company. Maybe you just shook hands on an agreement to launch a kombucha stand that only operates on lunar cycles. It all sounds fantastic now, but tomorrow you’ll realize you have no idea what you even agreed to. Just enjoy the creative brainstorming, but maybe wait until you’re clear-headed before making any commitments.

DON’T Take a Poop

Yes, this seems oddly specific, but hear it out first. If you can avoid it, just do. Everything will suddenly feel very strange. You will overthink your entire existence. The sound of the fan will feel menacing. And if you bring your phone? Oh no. Prepare to drop it. Just… be careful out there.

DO Write in a Journal

Your thoughts are deep and profound right now—at least, they feel that way! Take a moment to capture them. You never know when you’ll unearth a little poetic gold, or at the very least, a phrase that future-you will find deeply amusing. ("I am just the black gold of the sun"?? Incredible. What does it mean? Who knows! But it’s yours.)

DO Tell Someone You Love Them. Anyone.

You know what the world needs? More love! And you, my beautifully high friend, are currently bursting with it. Go ahead and tell your best friend, your sibling, your cat, or even the moon how much they mean to you. It’s wholesome. It’s pure. It’s exactly what stoned-you is meant to do. (Maybe don’t text an ex, though. That’s a different kind of energy.)

DO Eat… But Make the Most of It

Ah yes, the munchies—they will come. And when they do, be ready. Pre-plan your snacks, lest you find yourself making a grilled cheese sandwich with gummy bears in it. If you have a plan, you can lean into the joy of eating without later discovering you invented a cursed food item in a fit of hunger-induced creativity.

Final Toke

Listen, being high is fun—but a little guidance never hurt anyone. Stick to these gentle guidelines, and you’re far less likely to wake up with a fridge full of snack regrets, a weird business agreement, or an existential crisis in the bathroom. Now, go forth and enjoy responsibly. Or at least… whimsically.